back to reality

:: Koda Kumi - JUST THE WAY YOU ARE ::

time to take the things i've learn and take it in good use.

I'm tired of being all alone,

and this solitary moment makes me wanna come back home.

I am born to tell you I love you,

and I am torn to do what I have to,

to make you mine.

Stay with me tonight.

flaws

:: Sel'm - Saezuri ::

Over the past couple of weeks i've learnt some pretty valuable lessons.. and a couple of things ive been doing wrong all these years and i want to change it for good.

I realized I've been a giver all these years, and just not getting any results as i hoped. This is mostly my fault for setting the bars too high, and it upsets me a great deal when all of the sudden i think to myself why i was like this. From now on, I'm not getting anyone anything unless it's an extremely special occasion or that person really deserves it.

I need to put myself first before everyone else.. someone once told me, if you dont love myself, how could you love anybody else? I'm starting to get this saying a lot more now. I realized i havent been treating myself nice at all.. besides buying stuff for me, I've been going to the gym, eating healthy and cutting off all the junkfood. So far its going good.

One more thing I realized unconsciously i seek people's approval, especially the opposite sex.. I guess growing up alone and not being really cared by my parents can do that to my self-esteem. I grew up thinking if i make up lies about my life, I'll be approved and be accepted..

This is the most ugly side of me i hate about myself.

From this point on, I'll be truthful to myself and everyone around me.. because i know my own flaws.. nobody's perfect, and no matter what i do, there will be people who support me or love me for who i am.. I'm confident i can overcome this in time.

I'll still be hidden for awhile, there are still some things i want to clear up..

isolate

im cutting off all my accounts from msn, facebook, livejournal and myspace.

Reasons being, I'm truly unhappy with the things are right now.

I had a long time to think this over while i was out walking today.. I felt that I need to spend some time alone by myself, getting over a few things and getting to know myself for who I am. Without all those distractions in the internet, I hope I can do it.

This may be very immature of me, but I have to be selfish.. I have too many problems in my mind right now, I want to change myself for a better person.. and not be still doing the same thing over and over.

I will still post in this blog during my time alone, just to keep my insanity in check.
and I will also keep checking my email for anyone who still want to reach me.

:: Pink - I Don't Believe You ::

It seems like we're drifting apart.. every time i try to talk to you, conversations never seems to last more than two short sentences.

I havent talked to you in a month.. theres a lot i want to tell you, but words just cant come out.

I wanted to know how you are doing, but it seems like you dont want to tell me anything.

I just dont know what to say.. is it my fault that im curious?

Questioning myself over and over, in the end i just get mad/frustrated.

if only..

If i beg and if i cry

Would it change the sky tonight

Will it give me sunlight

Should i wait for you to call

Is there any hope at all

Are you drifting by?

survey for the new year

1. What did you do in 2008 that you'd never done before?
- Bought JD and became an addiction >_>
- Went to mainland china without family (turned out quite awesome)
- Got more health concern than ever before, hence quitting coke and alcohol(and still going strong)

2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I forgot what resolutions i made last year, but i do have some for this year
- find a new job
- get a gf for once =/

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
Nope, but a lot of ppl around me are married/engaged

4. Did anyone close to you die?
nope, thankfully

5. What countries did you visit?
Vancouver, mainland China

6. What would you like to have in 2009 that you lacked in 2008?
- A long-standing relationship would be nice.(second this one by cherie)
- A little bit more weight loss(and this one too)
- Self-esteem and willpower to quit smoking
- friends gathering

7. What date from 2008 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
- 3 Jan: day i leave japan
- 13 Mar: Monster Hunter 2G came out, massive line up for the game!
- 7 May: my buddy Darek came to visit
- 13 Jun: Justin Davis in Hong Kong
- 7 Oct - 20: Vancouver

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
honestly i don't know, this year had been the most unproductive year for me..

9. What was your biggest failure?
getting my plans backed up again and again.. i hope this coming year will finally work out.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Too much

11. What was the best thing you bought?
JUSTIN DAVIS (haha im the same)

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
miss k, i guess ? she was hospitalized before the week i came back.. was so worried about her, but then shes gotten better the time i got back, relief.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
work.

14. Where did most of your money go?
Clothes. Furnitures. Justin Davis. Video Games.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Linkin Park Live

16. What song will always remind you of 2008?
Monkey Majik - Yakusoku

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
I. happier or sadder? sadder
II. thinner or fatter? thinner
III. richer or poorer? definitely poorer XD
IV. older or wiser? Both i guess

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
Told those important to me how much I love them.

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
procastinating and sulking at home

20. How did you spend Christmas?
at work =/

21. Did you fall in love in 2008?
nope.

22. What was your favourite TV program?
Liar game was pretty good.. until the ending episode

23. How many one-night stands?
0. im not that kind of guy

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
not that i can recall

26. What was the best book you read?
The Game: Penetrating the secret society of pickup artists

27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Matenrou Opera, or DBSK?

28. What did you want and get?
JD

29. What did you want and not get?
Someone to cuddle with at night.

30. What was your favorite film of this year?
Dark Knight. hands down

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
someone to share my house with, lonely living by myself.

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2008?
Black + White

34. What kept you sane?
Money + shopping

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Rihanna, Janice Man

36. What political issue stirred you the most?
US elections

37. Who did you miss?
Everyone back home.

38. Who was the best new person you met?
Alex, Lok

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2008?
In order to find happiness, you have to take it by force.. in any ways you can. or else u'll lose no matter what.

40. Quote a song or lyric that sums up your year.

どうして君を好きになってしまったんだろう
どんなに時が流れても君はずっとここにいると思ってたのに
でも君が選んだのは違う道

はじめて出会ったその日から
君を知っていた気がしたんだ
あまりに自然に溶け込んでしまった二人

どこに行く乗りも一緒で君がいることが当然で
僕らは二人で大人になってきた
でも君が選んだのは違う道