Currently Playing .: Utada Hikaru - FINAL DISTANCE :.
Given up on her, its been back and forth with her and its draining my life away, the feeling of yearning for another person on the other side of the world is so dumb. At the same time i feel like there's nothing and nobody here for me, it sucks to know that there's such a girl who i can talk to on a daily basis and can't be with her.
We will remain good friends but nothing else.. and it sucks. At the very least we are still talking everyday and she is actually planning to send me something for my birthday..
Ever since i came back from hk, things with kiku aren't going anywhere, in fact we are almost back to where we were few years back; i don't feel like calling her up and do anything cuz of her new job, and with her japan trip coming up she needs to save up some money so i don't want her to spend more money for now.. this distance is far too familiar. I feel like i'm always going to be low on her priority list so why bother? It's because i like her so much i have these ridiculously high respects and views about her, while shes just being a frd to me, i really shouldn't be thinking like this.. i can't help it sometimes. i just hope this distance will help die down some of the feelings i have for her..
I'm going to taking some online courses soon at UBC for my housing management certificate. I still can't believe this year is almost over soon.. so much has happened but at the same time it felt so short.
Lets see;
1) broke up a 3 yr relationship
2) forced myself to the gym, still going at least 1-2 times a week
3) shrunk back to the shape, probably the best shape in my life right now
4) started eating healthier, and watching what i ate
5) Kelv and Cat came into my life, i feel so blessed to have them in my life
6) got back to smoking for a few months.. but stopped cuz i promised myself i wouldn't do it for my health and friends around me are all quitting
7) Saw Cherie in Singapore, went back to hk and saw a lot of wonderful friends(Kenneth, Carlson, lomo cheung, ah kit etc)
8) met a really incredible girl on tinder of all places, made a really close friend..
9) went on a few dates, but pretty much nothing i want to pursue
10) got a raise and got my building under control(somewhat), at least making the boss happy
Maybe next year things will even be better for me.
2014年10月24日 星期五
alone
Currently Playing .: 12012 - Alone :.
I woke up thinking about her again, i almost broke down and went on a full brawl as soon as i got up to use the washroom, the feeling was so painful.. the sudden memories of her; her sweet soft voice, laughing and saying oh my god in a slight accent, getting super excited what we found out about each other, the most beautiful moment of all; hearing her say i love you so much Victor. Tears are rolling down my face and i cant even see the screen properly..all i could think about is her.
It was during my trip i decided to use tinder, since Catherine and Kelvin and I went by Langham place in MK and came across Angelbaby's cafe, it was Kelvin's suggestions that we go there, but with another girl so i wouldn't be lonely. For some reason, i said yes to a cat named Connie somehow, details were really hazy if it was even i who swiped right on her. On Oct 11th she said hi to me, and thus our conversation began. I told her right off the bat i wasn't really looking for someone to be with, and she wasn't either..
We eventually switched to calling since she was too lazy to type. It was truly magical; how much common interest we seem to have, all the things i would ever want in a significant others she seems to have. Even all the topics we talk about we would click instantly and would go on like this for hours on end. We made a promise to each other we would not see each other, and thus my expectations of her grew and grew as days go on..
Maybe it was a bad decision to see her pictures so late into knowing her, i feel like such an asshole for admitting that physical attractions are so important.. but i really can't bring myself to muster all the effort into this relationship when i'm fully committed to her. If i have met her in real life, things would be different, i would be able to tell if im attracted to her.. pictures doesn't define the person at all. I'm so deathly afraid she won't do anything reckless after what i have said before.. i know she's feeling a lot of pain right now cuz of the way i reacted, I really hope she'll be ok.
I will talk to her again in a weeks time, since i have told her to give me some space to cool down a bit. I have thought about her a lot these past couple of days.. even in dreams i would hear her voice, and just couldn't fall back to bed after. I hope she will ok.. i really don't want to lose her as a dear friend.
I woke up thinking about her again, i almost broke down and went on a full brawl as soon as i got up to use the washroom, the feeling was so painful.. the sudden memories of her; her sweet soft voice, laughing and saying oh my god in a slight accent, getting super excited what we found out about each other, the most beautiful moment of all; hearing her say i love you so much Victor. Tears are rolling down my face and i cant even see the screen properly..all i could think about is her.
It was during my trip i decided to use tinder, since Catherine and Kelvin and I went by Langham place in MK and came across Angelbaby's cafe, it was Kelvin's suggestions that we go there, but with another girl so i wouldn't be lonely. For some reason, i said yes to a cat named Connie somehow, details were really hazy if it was even i who swiped right on her. On Oct 11th she said hi to me, and thus our conversation began. I told her right off the bat i wasn't really looking for someone to be with, and she wasn't either..
We eventually switched to calling since she was too lazy to type. It was truly magical; how much common interest we seem to have, all the things i would ever want in a significant others she seems to have. Even all the topics we talk about we would click instantly and would go on like this for hours on end. We made a promise to each other we would not see each other, and thus my expectations of her grew and grew as days go on..
Maybe it was a bad decision to see her pictures so late into knowing her, i feel like such an asshole for admitting that physical attractions are so important.. but i really can't bring myself to muster all the effort into this relationship when i'm fully committed to her. If i have met her in real life, things would be different, i would be able to tell if im attracted to her.. pictures doesn't define the person at all. I'm so deathly afraid she won't do anything reckless after what i have said before.. i know she's feeling a lot of pain right now cuz of the way i reacted, I really hope she'll be ok.
I will talk to her again in a weeks time, since i have told her to give me some space to cool down a bit. I have thought about her a lot these past couple of days.. even in dreams i would hear her voice, and just couldn't fall back to bed after. I hope she will ok.. i really don't want to lose her as a dear friend.
2014年9月9日 星期二
things i love
7 things i love;
MUSIC - music had been my everyday life ever since i could remember, my life wouldnt be the same without music influences. I love exploring new music as well, i love the feeling listening some good new music for the very first time.. makes me go repeat and repeat. I also love sharing new music to everyone i know so they could appreciate it as much as I do.
FASHION - It hasnt been apparent when i was growing up, since i used to wear a lot of oversized/loose clothing that wasnt right for me. Back then I couldn't figure out what direction i wanted to go.. while everyone either wore the same sporty apparels or XL gangster clothes, I didn't like it at all. It wasn't until after high school I started wearing more distinctive clothes(leather jacket, pointy shoes, blazers, etc) Right now I feel comfortable with my wardrobe. I can't wait to shop my ass off when i go back to Hong Kong next month.
FAMILY - I'm the only child in the family, this could be a love/hate thing.. however, I am grateful my parents are reasonable adults, and they put a roof over my head and gave me food all these years. I do feel the pressure of supporting them after they retire.. but right now, I think I need to figure out how to survive on my own first.
MOVIES - I love a good flick once in awhile.. either if it's a no-brainer-laugh-out-loud comedy, deep emotional romance, or trippy sci-fi film, I'll watch it in my own discretions (since I'm my own movie critic)
FOOD - favorite thing ever, we live to eat in this world, why not make the most out of it? There are tons of great food places in Vancouver, I'm grateful we have such great seafood and fresh produce. There's never a shortage of food adventures with friends!
VIDEO GAMES - I'm reluctant to put this one down, I don't love video games as much as I used to.. I still got some games i have not touch, just sitting on my shelf collecting dust. I guess I just have a lack of interest for certain games these days. I still get excited about the titles i'm looking forward to, but i would take my time and savor the time with the game instead of finishing it in one go.
jaded
Currently Playing .: lynch. - LIGHTNING :.
So i did get an answer back, and it is a no. As expected, I didn't have much hope to begin with.. I'm not anything she's looking for and I got no game. I just feel disappointed in myself, but at least now i know where I stand. I'm not terribly sad about it, I already assumed the worst so I'm just feeling a bit disappointed in myself, it wasn't the right timing.
She did say if things do get weird between us, she'd understand.. i'm trying not to let that affect me too much but it does feel a bit awkward =/ this is good tho, i don't think i would be able to handle her at my current state.. with life and my current situation right now, i still have lots of stuff i want to improve on. Hopefully by then she will still be around..
So i did get an answer back, and it is a no. As expected, I didn't have much hope to begin with.. I'm not anything she's looking for and I got no game. I just feel disappointed in myself, but at least now i know where I stand. I'm not terribly sad about it, I already assumed the worst so I'm just feeling a bit disappointed in myself, it wasn't the right timing.
She did say if things do get weird between us, she'd understand.. i'm trying not to let that affect me too much but it does feel a bit awkward =/ this is good tho, i don't think i would be able to handle her at my current state.. with life and my current situation right now, i still have lots of stuff i want to improve on. Hopefully by then she will still be around..
2014年8月23日 星期六
courage
Currently Playing .: GLAY - SPECIAL THANKS :.
Last night I finally had the guts to ask kiku out, she said she did not see it coming and will have to think about it.. My heart is still pumping from the moment i told her, I couldn't get any sleep. She is one of my best friends and I just couldn't hold my feelings for her anymore, i finally did it.
Whatever her result is, we promise each other we would still be good friends and won't let this ruin what we had.
Based on my past experience, she would probably say no to being us.. But she has been my shiver of hope in my darkest times ever since we've known each other, i really would love to be that person in her life.. Please god, please help me out here this one time.
Last night I finally had the guts to ask kiku out, she said she did not see it coming and will have to think about it.. My heart is still pumping from the moment i told her, I couldn't get any sleep. She is one of my best friends and I just couldn't hold my feelings for her anymore, i finally did it.
Whatever her result is, we promise each other we would still be good friends and won't let this ruin what we had.
Based on my past experience, she would probably say no to being us.. But she has been my shiver of hope in my darkest times ever since we've known each other, i really would love to be that person in her life.. Please god, please help me out here this one time.
2014年8月4日 星期一
Good Bye
Currently Playing : Youjeen - Good Bye :
Sun arise once again
Knowing it's all mundane
And I wake up every morning
Drag myself to shower away the dirty heart that aches
As I finished my plate
The dish with scraps I dazed
Realizing that this distorted filth
Is cleaner than this soul that's filled Stained forever ashamed
You know as time passes by
And every fall flowers die
Each and every little petals
That falls one by one
Portray my loves that have fallen decayed
Gonna be, gonna be, stronger
Gotta be, gotta be...
I believe that this feeling I ponder
makes me just wanna drown myself with grass and red water
Relive all the tears from my eyes
Endure all the pain that I carried engraved on
My heart that doesn't wanna let go
All the pain, all the pain, all of the pain
Recognized all the wrongs that I found
Jaded minds, shallow souls all around me that I don't need
Crucified by the decisions that I must face
With all the pain, with all the pain, war
Strangled by extortion, for what?
Like sky like fading into thin air
Desolation I will linger on with this feelings
I need to go... Good-bye.
2014年7月12日 星期六
hurt
Recently i saw a fb post from certain person, and it mentioned two person getting her gifts. My mind just wanders.. the feeling of being cheated on after all these times. The whole thing just makes me depressed as hell, I admit i have been unfaithful to her, but it was merely infatuations, i wasn't going to act on it or do anything about it.. maybe the act was already enough.
I feel so stupid & betrayed, just useless with my thoughts, rewinding memories that there were clear signals i did not pick up on and too stupid to realize it until now. SO WHAT. What can be done now? Its been half a year and I still cant get my life together, feels like my foundation is cracking again, ready to tumble any minute.
I didn't tell anyone about how I'm feeling today, only when i'm alone my mind tends to wander, it's horrible. Even tho today i had a great evening with Kelv and Cat, the moment i go into my car, i think about how much of a piece of shit i am.. fucking worst.
I feel so stupid & betrayed, just useless with my thoughts, rewinding memories that there were clear signals i did not pick up on and too stupid to realize it until now. SO WHAT. What can be done now? Its been half a year and I still cant get my life together, feels like my foundation is cracking again, ready to tumble any minute.
I didn't tell anyone about how I'm feeling today, only when i'm alone my mind tends to wander, it's horrible. Even tho today i had a great evening with Kelv and Cat, the moment i go into my car, i think about how much of a piece of shit i am.. fucking worst.
訂閱：
文章 (Atom)
