dears

:: lady gaga - bad romance ::

It's official, im not single anymore. I like a girl and she likes me back.
Now i miss being with her D=

october

:: Katy Perry - I'm still breathing ::

So i got a new layout~ all thanks to my hun cherie <3

I dont have much to say these days, been in a emotional roller coaster lately.. getting over someone is hard; I try not to effect others around me and hide it.. but its hard when everytime i log on facebook and see her pictures, my mood just sinks.

I'm working more these days since one of my dad's coworkers retiring, so i took over his courier shifts for the mornings.. since im not familiar with the documents, my mom has to tag along for the courier rides =/ she just affects my mood in the worst possible ways, and I'm already in a shitty mood.. I already snapped once at her; she threw me the courier bag and it fell all over the ground, I was mad and yelled, "WHATS WRONG WITH YOU".. i tend to lose it so easily these days, absolute no tolerance -_-

The weather is getting really cold these days, and i realize all my winter clothes are so lame.. its either really big and bulky, but nothing trendy.. all my layered clothes are wayyy too formal for casual wear, so other than my leather jacket, i have nothing i can wear. Need to do some major shopping upcoming months.

save up save up !

☆はろ☆

Hi all,

The Silent Place ain't so silent no more. This is not Vic, this is his hacker. I've been hacking his accounts and using it to pay off online purchases for years. So if he ever complains of being broke, you know why.

All right I'm kidding. I'm just the one he exploited to make his layout more ghey boomz.
So Vic, if the colours don't sit well with you, just go ahead and fix it via your Dashboard > Layout. I swear I was trying to make it psychedelic, but nothing seemed to agree with reader-friendliness. I'll make you something monochrome and less fag next time. m(_)m

バイBicycle!☆

♥,
Cherie


p/s: Vic, I strongly suggest you change your PW. It is too hack-fun and I might get urges. ;)

decomposing

:: Muse - resistance ::

The more I know abt her, the more i want to pull myself away.

Theres a glimmer of hope i want this to work out, but it'll only be wishful thinking.

Maybe im not cut out to be with someone.. i tend to give up when i get to know the person a little bit better, and then i keep thinking to myself, "do i really want to be with someone like that?" brainstorming situations as i go.

Time is beginning to piss me off.

uncomfortable

:: 東方神起 - COLORS~melody and Harmony ::

I got a wake-up yell by this job-search advisor, said everything ive been doing is wrong, and it made me think of a lot of things ive been doing..

staying in my safety zone.

All my life ive never been a risk-taker, even when i was a little kid, i never liked the monkey bars or the playground.. afraid that i might get hurt if i climbed on those things, hence never breaking a bone in my body. Even growing up, I never took much risk into doing much things, probably thats why i never had a girlfriend all these years.. i know the fear of rejection is no big deal, but inside im deathly scared of it.

Thinking of all those things just makes me feel how pathetic i am; even my defense mechanism kicked in saying he's wrong with a lot of things he said, but in reality, i know hes so right about it. I gotta go think outside the box and approach things in different ways..

the road is gonna be super uncomfortable from now on. But really, i have nothing to lose, if anything, id just say ive tried something different and not regret about it.

days

:: 高橋洋子 - One Little Wish ::

Mediocre days.. been really passive the past couple of days, just straight up bleh.

might be getting a job referral soon for this elevator mechanics opening.. apparently its really good pay per hour, and heard theres only 2 companies out in vancouver, so we'll see what happens.

Good hanging out with crystal yesterday, hardly ever see her these days and since shes starting school in sept, it'll be even harder to see her after. But nevertheless, it was good catching up with her.

Sally came back today, but it seems like i lost all motivations to talk to her, sigh i dunno what to think anymore.. i wish she would just stop showing up in my mind every once in awhile.

Anyways, tmrw i need to go out and get some finishing touches on cherie's present.. i have a very good feeling she'll be 'pleasantly' happy ha-ha haha.

fuck

I'm so frustrated and confused, I just wanna tear my heart out and die.

I'm tired of being nice and be giving shits for everything.

I'm especially sick of all u fakeasses out there, when i needed you the most, you go fuck off somewhere.

fuck you ALL.

pray

:: Tae Yang - Prayer ::

Where are you?
It's been a week since you last went online..
for fireworks, you said you were in a bad mood so u didnt want to go.. i understand that, but just so you know, it spoiled the mood for me as well.

I asked you whats wrong, u never answered.
I tried to get away from the subject, and just txt you something funny and spontaneous, no answer.
I waited for a few days, then today I asked you out for a movie, finally an answer.. but you said im busy all week.

Before you were so responsive and quirky with ur txt.. but now its like im talking to another whole different person. i hate this feeling.. more confusion and all my motivations out the window.

Did i do something wrong?

I cant stop thinking of you..

time

:: Kra - Setsugekka ::

I've been seeing her quite often these days.. which is great, i like seeing her smile and the way when she brush against me when we walk together~ but a part of me is picking out her minor flaws.. i dunno why i always do that sometimes and i sooo need to stop =/

I still havent told her how i feel abt her yet, due to the fact we're never alone together.. there are still time left~ maybe next saturday when we go out for fireworks, I'm going to tell her..

As for my job situations.. aii i think the industry is worst than ever right now, I cant even find any job leads at all =0= its hella difficult.. i might have to switch occupation and do something different in the meantime, perhaps doing some electrician work.. its better to keep my options more open cuz its not easy finding something good nowadays =w=

time is everything, if i dont seize the moment.. i wont have anything to hold dear.

1004

:: the GazettE - the invisible wall ::

Been a long week.. i dont think that SDEB thing can fall thru, mainly because i dont have the work experience here.. i'm still not sure whats going to happen in the next coming week, I'm expecting a call from this guy from apprenticeship to give me a call, so i could start working on random trade stuff.. i guess thats better than nothing?

such shocking news this week, Michael Jackson passed away suddenly.. i felt so sad, cuz i still remember watching his music videos on youtube and loving his dances. he was indeed a legend and he'll be forever missed~

Despite of some sad stuff happening.. I've been in a pretty good mood lately, I found a girl on fb who happened to be right next to me during the giru concert. We got to talking, and wow she & i have a lot in common.. and she seems like a really cute girl! Only problem is shes a bit young, a few frd said to me whats wrong with that, but i feel kinda bad she could be like my little sister.. but anyways, i look forward to talking to her and see how things go =)

dreams

:: 12012 - I DEAL ::

Today marks the last day of career counselling, my counsellor said im pretty much at a dead end with my job search.. seeing with the current recession and places arent ready to hire yet. He suggested that i apply for EI and try to apply for this SDEB grant.

basically this SDEB is funded by the government and they will fully pay for ur tuition for the occupation you wish to go for, also living expenses(backed by the EI).. this almost sounds too good to be true, i had no idea there was such a thing as free learning even when im out of a job o_O.. my counsellor also said with my current situation i have a really high percent of getting in. I still have to talk to my case manager about this..

But this is a good thing; i feel better knowing that i dont have to look for a specific job now, one that i wasnt too happy with. I just gotta figure out what i want to do next now, so its back to the drawing board..

I also decided to make this blog public now.

life's too short, might as well do something you love.

existances

:: GACKT - Oblivious ::

These days had sorta been inspiring, almost forgot my goals and dreams.. its good to know there's still hope and be happy haha. Be true to yourself and love yourself, other people will feel it and love you back~

dad is being a great asshole; theres no reasoning with him, and to think he judged me based on my appearance and saying i have no mechanical skills? thats just insulting.

FML moments every time.

p.s. missing pipu lots, i wonder how shes doing..

lantern

:: Kagrra, - sakura dzukiyo ::

Looking back at my old self, i used to dislike a lot of things i wouldn't dream of doing.. or i was told not to be involved in doing. But now im doing all those things, its not that i have particular love doing the opposite, but its a way i view my life..

I chose to care about friends, value them like my everything.. but in the end what do i get? a phone that doesnt ring unless i make the calls.. no one would call me unless they need a favor done, it really hurts.

I also felt that once i left this place, my prescene is no longer here.. everyone seems to forgot about me, i felt like a ghost lurking around home that is no longer home..

I really lost my faith with humanity, i just want to get away from it all..

Maybe the next step for me would be joining the army, it certainly wouldnt be a bad idea right now.

painful

Why am i such a fuckup?

Thats the question i always ask myself.

10

:: SID - Uso ::

10 Things i like:

1) When friends get me gifts, no matter what it is, its the thought that counts~ and everytime i look at those gifts, makes me think of you ^^
2) Shopping for things for my friends, and if thats the exact item they wanted, I love seeing their reaction when they do get it, its magical.
3) When my friends cook for me, i feel like the happiest man on earth XD
4) I really dunno why, but i love the smell of girl's perfume, especially on girls, its sooo attractive.
5) Oh and the smell of their hair <3
6) having meaningful conversation with friends, doesnt really happen often but when it does, its pretty sweet.
7) seeing $0 in my credit card statement
8) lip gloss is the most beautiful thing ever invented, i have a thing for girls with pretty lips, and lip gloss just makes everything 10000x better XD
9) people with fashion sense is definitely a thumbs up in my book, or accepting for change in wardrobe is always good
10) food i havent had in a loong time, like mama's cooking.. or having a good steak(theres just no good steak in hk!)

broken

:: Acid Black Cherry - 恋一夜 ::

I'm happy for you, you finally found someone you love so much..I hope you can be happy and be the old you like I always knew; sweet and caring, not afraid to pursuit happiness even if it means going the extra mile.

I know I can no longer linger in the past, trying to wait for you to come back.. hoping you would reconsider, and there is still hope. I still havent moved on after all these years.. I'm that kind of person that can't let go of memories so easily, but I'm a fool for thinking that.

Again, I hope the best for you and your future husband-to-be, I will always remember the things you've said to me, but i will move on cuz theres no place for me in your heart.

uncertainties

:: New Sodmy - A way of Life ::

Almost two months of no update; thought i reviewed a few things..

Finally packed my bags and got back to Vancouver, quitting my job and leaving hk for good. The only thing i miss the most is my house, i put my heart and soul into furnishing the place.. and also the quality times ive spent in there~ only regret is i didnt get to live with anyone in that house.. as much i liked to, but oh well.

Came back to van and left for sakuracon; girugamesh was awesome and amazing human beings, they were totally worth going to see, and i had a lot of fun~ despite having jet lag and some minor upsetting things.. i had some good times with my friends and met some new people along the way ^^

Now almost a month has passed since sakuracon, and im just aimlessly sitting at home everyday, waiting for something to do.. I worked on my resume for a couple of days, but finding a job related to my field is just not possible at the moment. I'm in the middle of a dilemma whether I should go back to school, but not knowing what to take worries me.. its tough everywhere =/ I hate this feeling of indecisiveness, i know just bumming around is putting a lot of pressures on my parents as well as me.. its stressful as hell.

Sometimes I really wish I have an older brother/sister to ask for advice, instead of parents nagging you about "go earn money now, go learn other stuff later in ur life" shit =/

mares

:: exist†trace - VANGUARD ::

I had a nightmare last night.. dreamt i was in my own bathroom taking a bath, and once i got out, i saw my reflection in the mirror. At first i didnt notice anything wrong with my reflections, then it started to make weird faces at me.. gradually my reflection's eyes started to change into crimson red and was bleeding out of the mouth.

I tried to stop it in a panic.. but there was nothing i could do, it kept getting angrier and more scary. I tried to smash the mirror with my bare hands, i felt sharp pain coming from my hands as i punched harder and harder, but it was useless and futile.. I saw my reflections mutate to someone i could barely recognize anymore; it had pure crimson eyes, sharp unproportional teeth, and 5 chins tugged underneath the neck.. thats when i woke up. cold sweat was dripping down.. it was terrible.

i went to the washroom to wash off, almost didnt want to see my reflection at first glance.. but everything was back to normal.

release

:: 12012 - Hallelujah ::

Last night I was worried about you after reading ur recent entry, so I decided to talk to you..
We haven't talked in ages, so I took some courage asking you how u were doing.

You decided to talk about the day I left you..
Tears rolled down my face as I listened to you, the struggle and the pain I've caused..

I really couldn't bear myself hurting such a wonderful girl like you.

Both of us became an emotional wreck, and we are all paying for it with time..

I told you how I feel about you all these years.. but I realized you don't feel the same way about me anymore. It's useless to think we can turn back the clock and start over..

I respect ur decision, hopefully this time i can finally let you go for good..

fake

:: Ayumi Hamasaki - Days ::

I just found out one of my coworker's having an affair with a girl at work..

And while he was going steady with this other girl he's been dating for a couple months back. It took a lot of work for them to be together, since this other girl already had a previous long-term boyfriend to begin with.. after a lot of convincing, she finally broke up with him and decided to go out with my coworker.

Now that my coworker's got a steady girlfriend, he had to go tread into another territory..
I was always aware he had a thing for this planning girl at work, but I didn't realize he would go as far as seeing her at night and put her pictures on his cellphone..

It makes me so disappointed in him.. why cant he be happy being in ONE relationship, and continue killing off other relationship of others?

Just makes me sick.

back to reality

:: Koda Kumi - JUST THE WAY YOU ARE ::

time to take the things i've learn and take it in good use.

I'm tired of being all alone,

and this solitary moment makes me wanna come back home.

I am born to tell you I love you,

and I am torn to do what I have to,

to make you mine.

Stay with me tonight.

flaws

:: Sel'm - Saezuri ::

Over the past couple of weeks i've learnt some pretty valuable lessons.. and a couple of things ive been doing wrong all these years and i want to change it for good.

I realized I've been a giver all these years, and just not getting any results as i hoped. This is mostly my fault for setting the bars too high, and it upsets me a great deal when all of the sudden i think to myself why i was like this. From now on, I'm not getting anyone anything unless it's an extremely special occasion or that person really deserves it.

I need to put myself first before everyone else.. someone once told me, if you dont love myself, how could you love anybody else? I'm starting to get this saying a lot more now. I realized i havent been treating myself nice at all.. besides buying stuff for me, I've been going to the gym, eating healthy and cutting off all the junkfood. So far its going good.

One more thing I realized unconsciously i seek people's approval, especially the opposite sex.. I guess growing up alone and not being really cared by my parents can do that to my self-esteem. I grew up thinking if i make up lies about my life, I'll be approved and be accepted..

This is the most ugly side of me i hate about myself.

From this point on, I'll be truthful to myself and everyone around me.. because i know my own flaws.. nobody's perfect, and no matter what i do, there will be people who support me or love me for who i am.. I'm confident i can overcome this in time.

I'll still be hidden for awhile, there are still some things i want to clear up..

isolate

im cutting off all my accounts from msn, facebook, livejournal and myspace.

Reasons being, I'm truly unhappy with the things are right now.

I had a long time to think this over while i was out walking today.. I felt that I need to spend some time alone by myself, getting over a few things and getting to know myself for who I am. Without all those distractions in the internet, I hope I can do it.

This may be very immature of me, but I have to be selfish.. I have too many problems in my mind right now, I want to change myself for a better person.. and not be still doing the same thing over and over.

I will still post in this blog during my time alone, just to keep my insanity in check.
and I will also keep checking my email for anyone who still want to reach me.

:: Pink - I Don't Believe You ::

It seems like we're drifting apart.. every time i try to talk to you, conversations never seems to last more than two short sentences.

I havent talked to you in a month.. theres a lot i want to tell you, but words just cant come out.

I wanted to know how you are doing, but it seems like you dont want to tell me anything.

I just dont know what to say.. is it my fault that im curious?

Questioning myself over and over, in the end i just get mad/frustrated.

if only..

If i beg and if i cry

Would it change the sky tonight

Will it give me sunlight

Should i wait for you to call

Is there any hope at all

Are you drifting by?

survey for the new year

1. What did you do in 2008 that you'd never done before?
- Bought JD and became an addiction >_>
- Went to mainland china without family (turned out quite awesome)
- Got more health concern than ever before, hence quitting coke and alcohol(and still going strong)

2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I forgot what resolutions i made last year, but i do have some for this year
- find a new job
- get a gf for once =/

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
Nope, but a lot of ppl around me are married/engaged

4. Did anyone close to you die?
nope, thankfully

5. What countries did you visit?
Vancouver, mainland China

6. What would you like to have in 2009 that you lacked in 2008?
- A long-standing relationship would be nice.(second this one by cherie)
- A little bit more weight loss(and this one too)
- Self-esteem and willpower to quit smoking
- friends gathering

7. What date from 2008 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
- 3 Jan: day i leave japan
- 13 Mar: Monster Hunter 2G came out, massive line up for the game!
- 7 May: my buddy Darek came to visit
- 13 Jun: Justin Davis in Hong Kong
- 7 Oct - 20: Vancouver

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
honestly i don't know, this year had been the most unproductive year for me..

9. What was your biggest failure?
getting my plans backed up again and again.. i hope this coming year will finally work out.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Too much

11. What was the best thing you bought?
JUSTIN DAVIS (haha im the same)

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
miss k, i guess ? she was hospitalized before the week i came back.. was so worried about her, but then shes gotten better the time i got back, relief.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
work.

14. Where did most of your money go?
Clothes. Furnitures. Justin Davis. Video Games.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Linkin Park Live

16. What song will always remind you of 2008?
Monkey Majik - Yakusoku

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
I. happier or sadder? sadder
II. thinner or fatter? thinner
III. richer or poorer? definitely poorer XD
IV. older or wiser? Both i guess

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
Told those important to me how much I love them.

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
procastinating and sulking at home

20. How did you spend Christmas?
at work =/

21. Did you fall in love in 2008?
nope.

22. What was your favourite TV program?
Liar game was pretty good.. until the ending episode

23. How many one-night stands?
0. im not that kind of guy

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
not that i can recall

26. What was the best book you read?
The Game: Penetrating the secret society of pickup artists

27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Matenrou Opera, or DBSK?

28. What did you want and get?
JD

29. What did you want and not get?
Someone to cuddle with at night.

30. What was your favorite film of this year?
Dark Knight. hands down

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
someone to share my house with, lonely living by myself.

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2008?
Black + White

34. What kept you sane?
Money + shopping

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Rihanna, Janice Man

36. What political issue stirred you the most?
US elections

37. Who did you miss?
Everyone back home.

38. Who was the best new person you met?
Alex, Lok

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2008?
In order to find happiness, you have to take it by force.. in any ways you can. or else u'll lose no matter what.

40. Quote a song or lyric that sums up your year.

どうして君を好きになってしまったんだろう
どんなに時が流れても君はずっとここにいると思ってたのに
でも君が選んだのは違う道

はじめて出会ったその日から
君を知っていた気がしたんだ
あまりに自然に溶け込んでしまった二人

どこに行く乗りも一緒で君がいることが当然で
僕らは二人で大人になってきた
でも君が選んだのは違う道