glimmer

Currently Playing .: Utada Hikaru - FINAL DISTANCE :.

Given up on her, its been back and forth with her and its draining my life away, the feeling of yearning for another person on the other side of the world is so dumb. At the same time i feel like there's nothing and nobody here for me, it sucks to know that there's such a girl who i can talk to on a daily basis and can't be with her.

We will remain good friends but nothing else.. and it sucks. At the very least we are still talking everyday and she is actually planning to send me something for my birthday..

Ever since i came back from hk, things with kiku aren't going anywhere, in fact we are almost back to where we were few years back; i don't feel like calling her up and do anything cuz of her new job, and with her japan trip coming up she needs to save up some money so i don't want her to spend more money for now.. this distance is far too familiar. I feel like i'm always going to be low on her priority list so why bother? It's because i like her so much i have these ridiculously high respects and views about her, while shes just being a frd to me, i really shouldn't be thinking like this.. i can't help it sometimes. i just hope this distance will help die down some of the feelings i have for her..

I'm going to taking some online courses soon at UBC for my housing management certificate. I still can't believe this year is almost over soon.. so much has happened but at the same time it felt so short.

Lets see;
1) broke up a 3 yr relationship
2) forced myself to the gym, still going at least 1-2 times a week
3) shrunk back to the shape, probably the best shape in my life right now
4) started eating healthier, and watching what i ate
5) Kelv and Cat came into my life, i feel so blessed to have them in my life
6) got back to smoking for a few months.. but stopped cuz i promised myself i wouldn't do it for my health and friends around me are all quitting
7) Saw Cherie in Singapore, went back to hk and saw a lot of wonderful friends(Kenneth, Carlson, lomo cheung, ah kit etc)
8) met a really incredible girl on tinder of all places, made a really close friend..
9) went on a few dates, but pretty much nothing i want to pursue
10) got a raise and got my building under control(somewhat), at least making the boss happy

Maybe next year things will even be better for me.

alone

Currently Playing .: 12012 - Alone :.

I woke up thinking about her again, i almost broke down and went on a full brawl as soon as i got up to use the washroom, the feeling was so painful.. the sudden memories of her; her sweet soft voice, laughing and saying oh my god in a slight accent, getting super excited what we found out about each other, the most beautiful moment of all; hearing her say  i love you so much Victor. Tears are rolling down my face and i cant even see the screen properly..all i could think about is her.

It was during my trip i decided to use tinder, since Catherine and Kelvin and I went by Langham place in MK and came across Angelbaby's cafe, it was Kelvin's suggestions that we go there, but with another girl so i wouldn't be lonely. For some reason, i said yes to a cat named Connie somehow, details were really hazy if it was even i who swiped right on her. On Oct 11th she said hi to me, and thus our conversation began. I told her right off the bat i wasn't really looking for someone to be with, and she wasn't either.. 

We eventually switched to calling since she was too lazy to type. It was truly magical; how much common interest we seem to have, all the things i would ever want in a significant others she seems to have. Even all the topics we talk about we would click instantly and would go on like this for hours on end. We made a promise to each other we would not see each other, and thus my expectations of her grew and grew as days go on..

Maybe it was a bad decision to see her pictures so late into knowing her, i feel like such an asshole for admitting that physical attractions are so important.. but i really can't bring myself to muster all the effort into this relationship when i'm fully committed to her. If i have met her in real life, things would be different, i would be able to tell if im attracted to her.. pictures doesn't define the person at all. I'm so deathly afraid she won't do anything reckless after what i have said before.. i know she's feeling a lot of pain right now cuz of the way i reacted, I really hope she'll be ok. 

I will talk to her again in a weeks time, since i have told her to give me some space to cool down a bit. I have thought about her a lot these past couple of days.. even in dreams i would hear her voice, and just couldn't fall back to bed after. I hope she will ok.. i really don't want to lose her as a dear friend. 

things i love

7 things i love;

MUSIC - music had been my everyday life ever since i could remember, my life wouldnt be the same without music influences. I love exploring new music as well, i love the feeling listening some good new music for the very first time.. makes me go repeat and repeat. I also love sharing new music to everyone i know so they could appreciate it as much as I do. 

FASHION - It hasnt been apparent when i was growing up, since i used to wear a lot of oversized/loose clothing that wasnt right for me. Back then I couldn't figure out what direction i wanted to go.. while everyone either wore the same sporty apparels or XL gangster clothes, I didn't like it at all. It wasn't until after high school I started wearing more distinctive clothes(leather jacket, pointy shoes, blazers, etc) Right now I feel comfortable with my wardrobe. I can't wait to shop my ass off when i go back to Hong Kong next month.

FAMILY - I'm the only child in the family, this could be a love/hate thing.. however, I am grateful my parents are reasonable adults, and they put a roof over my head and gave me food all these years. I do feel the pressure of supporting them after they retire.. but right now, I think I need to figure out how to survive on my own first.

MOVIES - I love a good flick once in awhile.. either if it's a no-brainer-laugh-out-loud comedy, deep emotional romance, or trippy sci-fi film, I'll watch it in my own discretions (since I'm my own movie critic)

FRIENDS - I'm thankful that i have a few close friends, they get me through some bad and rough times, as well as shared some good times together. I sincerely thank you from the bottom of my heart you were there for me, even tho I didn't tell you at first, but it really means a lot to me. I'm also glad that i have such diverse group of friends, its great to learn from them.


FOOD - favorite thing ever, we live to eat in this world, why not make the most out of it? There are tons of great food places in Vancouver, I'm grateful we have such great seafood and fresh produce. There's never a shortage of food adventures with friends!


VIDEO GAMES - I'm reluctant to put this one down, I don't love video games as much as I used to.. I still got some games i have not touch, just sitting on my shelf collecting dust. I guess I just have a lack of interest for certain games these days. I still get excited about the titles i'm looking forward to, but i would take my time and savor the time with the game instead of finishing it in one go.

jaded

Currently Playing .: lynch. - LIGHTNING :.

So i did get an answer back, and it is a no. As expected, I didn't have much hope to begin with.. I'm not anything she's looking for and I got no game. I just feel disappointed in myself, but at least now i know where I stand. I'm not terribly sad about it, I already assumed the worst so I'm just feeling a bit disappointed in myself, it wasn't the right timing.

She did say if things do get weird between us, she'd understand.. i'm trying not to let that affect me too much but it does feel a bit awkward =/ this is good tho, i don't think i would be able to handle her at my current state.. with life and my current situation right now, i still have lots of stuff i want to improve on. Hopefully by then she will still be around..

courage

Currently Playing .: GLAY - SPECIAL THANKS :.

Last night I finally had the guts to ask kiku out, she said she did not see it coming and will have to think about it.. My heart is still pumping from the moment i told her, I couldn't get any sleep. She is one of my best friends and I just couldn't hold my feelings for her anymore, i finally did it.

Whatever her result is, we promise each other we would still be good friends and won't let this ruin what we had.

Based on my past experience, she would probably say no to being us.. But she has been my shiver of hope in my darkest times ever since we've known each other, i really would love to be that person in her life.. Please god, please help me out here this one time.

Good Bye

Currently Playing : Youjeen - Good Bye :

Sun arise once again
Knowing it's all mundane
And I wake up every morning
Drag myself to shower away the dirty heart that aches

As I finished my plate
The dish with scraps I dazed
Realizing that this distorted filth
Is cleaner than this soul that's filled Stained forever ashamed

You know as time passes by
And every fall flowers die
Each and every little petals
That falls one by one
Portray my loves that have fallen decayed

Gonna be, gonna be, stronger
Gotta be, gotta be...

I believe that this feeling I ponder
makes me just wanna drown myself with grass and red water
Relive all the tears from my eyes
Endure all the pain that I carried engraved on
My heart that doesn't wanna let go
All the pain, all the pain, all of the pain

Recognized all the wrongs that I found
Jaded minds, shallow souls all around me that I don't need
Crucified by the decisions that I must face
With all the pain, with all the pain, war
Strangled by extortion, for what?
Like sky like fading into thin air
Desolation I will linger on with this feelings
I need to go...  Good-bye.

hurt

Recently i saw a fb post from certain person, and it mentioned two person getting her gifts. My mind just wanders.. the feeling of being cheated on after all these times. The whole thing just makes me depressed as hell, I admit i have been unfaithful to her, but it was merely infatuations, i wasn't going to act on it or do anything about it.. maybe the act was already enough.

I feel so stupid & betrayed, just useless with my thoughts, rewinding memories that there were clear signals i did not pick up on and too stupid to realize it until now. SO WHAT. What can be done now? Its been half a year and I still cant get my life together, feels like my foundation is cracking again, ready to tumble any minute.

I didn't tell anyone about how I'm feeling today, only when i'm alone my mind tends to wander, it's horrible. Even tho today i had a great evening with Kelv and Cat, the moment i go into my car, i think about how much of a piece of shit i am.. fucking worst.

facade

Currently Playing .: lynch. - above the skin :.

Lately I've been trying to figure out myself, what do i want to do with my life?
Ryan McNeil asked me this question the other day, what are you passionate about other than video games? I thought to myself, i really have no hobbies.

I've been stuck in this lifestyle for so long, I forgot what i really like to do. I really want to pick up a pencil and just draw. Not doodling, but really make something from a blank canvas to something I am proud of.

I watched this kristen stewart movie "speak" and i kind of connected with her character, she discovered art from her art teacher.. really good movie, I really loved that part at the end she showed her art teacher all those drawings she made and posted all over the wall.

Maybe the next step is to take a drawing course, give myself some practice and ultimately meet some new people.

Baby steps!

spiral down

Currently listening : Podcast

I gave up on her, i hate waiting for replies and not any responses for a couple of days. I do get shes busy and she might be moving/settling down on her new job, but it doesnt take that long to just say something back.. I'm not going to waste my time.

In the meantime, i signed up on some dating sites and getting myself out there, at least give that a chance.. At the same time I really don't like writing about myself, and i haven't gotten a decent picture of myself in years. Honestly these past couple of years i really let myself go, I didn't like looking myself and i can't imagine how krystal would feel, but im trying to get back into shape and revitalize my love for myself.

Anyhow, I made a profile for myself and I did do a search on some local girls, I started with no ethnic preferences, but i ended up just looking at asian girls, the heart knows what the body wants. I think after krystal i don't think i want to pursue a white girl, not for the time being at least. There are some girls i kinda like, but looks like one of those girls who doesn't check it very often, and i'm pretty sure they get a lot of emails =/ I will try regardless.

I watched the new big bang theory epi, and it seems like I was in the same boat as Raj, i can so relate to his state.. Only Raj does get a hot lady in the end, what Sheldon said its kinda right and it hit me, It's really not so bad being alone.

defeated

Currently Playing: Lynch. - Phoenix

Latest development, she decided to not rent our units. Maybe it's better that way? I feel like she is afraid of her privacy being invaded since i will be working there.. and if things goes sour, she might think i betray her trust, its all just big speculations in my head. Maybe she did want to roommate with someone, REMY isnt exactly cheap for one person..

I feel kinda disappointed, rejected before i even had a chance feelings. She will come back to see me tho, next week when i go give her applications back, normally you aren't allow to take the application back, but in her case, i'll make an exception. another excuse for me to see her again. I am going to ask her out again, i really want this to work out..

Karma

Long weekend last week was great; lots of catching up, lots of laughs & lots of eating!

Friday felt so much like Saturday to me, since i started the day with dark souls 2 with kenneth and we do that every saturday morning, hes got the day off too so might as well! The afternoon was spent with Darek playing moar dark souls 2. Around late afternoon we went to eat at Ask for Luigi along with Kiku and Mike! It was great, i loved all these food gatherings we do. After an early dinner, we decided to go down to downtown and eat some more XD went to Nero's waffles and was having a huge food coma afterwards, thank god we had walked everywhere in downtown so it didn't feel as bad.

Saturday was spent with family with Pho in the afternoon and then Captain America 2 with Darek!
Great movie, great company, what more do you need?

Sunday i went to have lunch with Crystal, its been super long since we've seen each other! Last time it was at that Muse concert(which i did not even stay for, fucking joke) but anyways, it was super great seeing her.. we're not close at all, but whenever we get together, its great catching up with her! However she is moving to Toronto soon to start a new life over there, maybe i will go visit her someday and go to Toronto!

Monday was a pretty mundame day with just me staying at home and taking cat naps here and there, lazy day is much needed after all the food comas i endured XD

So, getting back to the title at hand; Karma, i do believe in it and i try my best to do whatever it is good out there so i can get repaid in my later years.. Karma god, if you are listening can you let me cash it now for a chance to be with a girl i like?

My confidences for her got bonged down pretty hard today.. after calling her and she could not recall my name... =( nor the fact that she is a Libra makes me go URGH come on why.. I know i am super terrible with Libras and how they are super hard to get into a relationship with.. all the pretty untouchables in my life has been all Libras, past experiences has not been great =( Karma God please make her to be different and be approachable for once.

Sigh, i shouldn't stress about it, but paranoia takes over me..

the art of pursue

Currently Playing: NoGoD - あの日の空は極彩で

So this week was interesting;

there was a really down moment where a tenant told me their significant others had passed away. It was heart breaking to see her telling me the news. I always knew someone would be pass away in my building, but i didn't expect it to be so soon. It made me realize how fragile life is, and how one moment you are still in this world, the next moment you are just a vessel without a soul. The husband that passed away always wanted me to have dimsum with them, but i simply just couldn't get away from work.. I do regret not taking up on their offer, and now i can never get the chance with the both of them.. they were a nice couple and its so sad to hear. Condolences to her.

Another thing that happened during this week, this particular girl that applied to one of our studio units.. i felt a really warm presence when I talked to her, and I felt there was a connection with her. I did casually asked her if she was single, and she said yes. At that moment, I felt really nervous for some reason? It was really weird.. I know im breaking a lot of code of work ethics but the thought of me asking her out was constantly in my mind. I ended up not saying it and just waited to complete her application so i can see her next time.

2 days went by and she was still on my mind.. knowing myself im not a very optimistic person, i seriously thought i creeped her out by asking her if she was single, but all of that went away once in the morning i opened my email and she said shes coming back with her application. I thought I still have a chance. Alright Vic you got this, ask her out when she finished handing you her paperwork.

When she came in, we chatted more about work, life stuff, and apparently shes the only child as well, very smart girl with tons of scholarships in universities and working at a place paying her 37 bucks an hour. I felt kinda intimidated at this point, but as we talked more and more, i felt really drawn to her somehow. it was a roller coaster of feelings.

In the end, i did ask her out.

She was flattered, but as i expected she didn't want to start anything. Reasons being she just turned single a month ago. For someone who just got out of a long relationship, i do understand. I do respect her decision.. and at the same time she told me she did feel something as well, but it will take some time.. I am ok with that. She does want to hang out sometime just to know each other a little more, and that she said i was pretty unprofessional for me to ask her out(oh well, if i didnt i never wouldve known).

I hope things work out alright with her. If not, I can honestly say I've tried. I can't wait to tell people about it,omgdidijustfindsomeoneilike XD

Yesterday

Currently Listening to: m-flo - yesterday

Listening to those songs reminds me of you.. i can't help it sometimes, there are times i just break down in the car and have these memories of you,

I still can't believe you didn't give me a chance to patch things up, but i know you don't wasting each other's time.. I still feel very disappointed, disappointed that 3 years have gone by and poof you were gone like that.

Love is such a fragile thing.. but life goes on, i will go on without you and i will be alright.. i just hope you will be too.

good bye sadness.

おかえり、ただいま、あたり前に
感じてた日々、もう過去の話　OH
二人の夢　what happened?
戻ればいいのに
君は風吹くままに

昨日は so in love　昨日は so in touch
You said forever and ever でもキミは gone
戻れ yesterday 魔法は解けて
星に変わる in the sky
hoo hoo
In the sky...

With or without you, I gotta keep going on
With or without you, I gotta keep moving on
With or without you, I gotta keep going on
With or without you, I gotta keep moving on
I gotta keep moving on... I gotta keep going on
I gotta keep moving on... gotta gotta gotta

With or without you, 一人でも大丈夫なんていう
あ、あ、なんて言いながら
認めたくないだけだと知ってるからって
you keep calling me... calling me
please stop calling me... calling me
Find more lyrics at ※ Mojim.com
だって仮に会ったとしても CARE
されてもうちらは nowhere
今では you go anywhere 気が向くままに
昔は follow me anywhere 二人で everywhere
そんなこと思い出す場所には行きたくない
見上げる sky
星を見ても思い出すから
let me drink away the pain, drink away the pain
結局、明日目が覚めれば おはよう heartache
drink away, drink away the pain
また今夜もどこかで... hey

昨日は so in love　昨日は so in touch
We said forever and ever でもキミは gone
I chuck my deuces up 空に向けて
Now I can see some diamonds in the sky
hoo hoo
In the sky...

昨日は so in love　昨日は so in touch
You said forever and ever でもキミは gone
戻れ yesterday 魔法は解けて
星に変わる in the sky
hoo hoo
In the sky...

rant for the day

Currently Listening to: Koda Kumi - Darling

It's been pretty mundane lately, nothing too exciting.. been on a crazy horror movie binge the past week or so, even seen some Korean horror movie and thought that was interesting. There was this one called the Doctor and its about a plastic surgeons whose gone off the deep end after finding out her wife is cheating on him, pretty psychotic man.. and he got away from it all in the end.

Watched another one about Korean Idols called Curse of the White, that one was super confusing since i could not tell the main actresses from the other girls, they all look the same to me =/ i could only tell when the main girl dyed her hair white, and by then it didnt even matter since everyone just gets brutally murdered by things.

I'm starting to notice a pattern for my monster hunter crew, they eat meat and nothing else! Its super hard to stay away from these carnivores when i know internally i need to eat more vegetables/fiber, oh the young ppl and their crazy metabolism.. Last week we had all-you-can-eat japanese buffet, most of the stuff are barely ok, man i can't do buffets like this anymore, the quality just goes to shits.. whatever tho, at least i can order a salad and had edamame!

Shit today i had an appointment with a real fine girl, her name is Rachel and shes single too.. but the downside shes got a 3 year old kid =_= i dont know how i feel about that, I admit i looked her up on fb and her ex-husband looked like a real douche, and now shes left with taking care of her kid and working full time. Rough life for that girl... not sure i would go for her since shes got so much baggage. She talked briefly about her ex since we were discussing about her line of credit, and he screwed her royally by buying 2 cars under her name, terrible human beings =/

March is already upon us, and i really should do something with kiku or mikey, its about that time to hang out again! And also i havent seen that Darek in like forever, conflicting schedule during the weekend is hard man.

Tmrw im going back to training in Burnaby, so its gonna be 3 days of sitting on my ass and watch some videos.. cant wait!(to sleep)zzzz

Ladies

Watching : community in the background

Lately ive been browsing around the net, just clicking on whatever on fb and see where that leads me.. and apparently i know a lot of friends who likes attractive females(not that my friends aren't pretty people, and thats another thing too, i know a lot of attractive looking people O_O) and internet is a wonderful place, so many hotties around the world its insane.

Theres this one chick i clicked on her instagram, and holy mother of god she is fucking sexy to me.
(Link)I really have a thing for asian girls with blue contacts, and those sexy long eyelashes..
(Link)And top that off with a body like that? Ridiculous.

So yeah, i creeped around her instagram for awhile.. i would totally make sweet loving to her, but you know something? I know that if i met her in real life i wouldn't want to be with someone like that, its a very intimidating feeling, maybe im just being too realistic.

I found a few video game streamers online, one of them is dizzykitten. She is like a mixture of emma stone and attached overly girlfriend combined? She seems very down-to-earth, and shes got a huge fanbase.. she streams world of warcraft almost everyday and she gets crazy donations.. she would definitely be cool to hang out with.

As for my real ideal woman? i would definitely pick dodger for girl friend material.. shes super awesome and I absolutely love watching her daily videos, no matter how random they are, she does brighten my day a little bit just watching her play with cats, drink coffee or watch her talk about life or video games.. and shes the first girl i know who picked up on monster hunter and loved it, how cool is that?!

So in short, i love women all around the world, either there are sexy, down-to-earth, or just interesting to hang out with, it keeps me sane knowing these woman exist.. who knows, maybe i'll meet someone whos molded all three of those qualities into one.

Sustain

Current Music: Dir en grey - sustain the untruth

Yesterday was a good day!

Woke up in the morning excited to see some old friends, but then Mikey hurt his neck so he had to cancel dinner last night, that's alright I still had dinner with Kiku. I pretty much got the day started great.. only to go to superstore and finding out I don't have my wallet with me. XD

I was pretty much 45 mins away from home at this point and already at Kelvin's place for monster hunter, so I told him I didn't bring my wallet and he said dont worry about it. So with 9 bucks of change in my pants, I was ready to tackle the world! XD

We did our monster hunting with our 3DS, and we got a 8 bucks pizza(pretty good actually), some fruits, and yams to bring back~ altogether it was only 10 bucks for everything! So we had fruit snacks and yam chips :9

Hunted til 5:30ish and I had to meet up with Kiku for dinner, so I had to say bye to Kelvin and Cat and I went to Richmond for Korean food.

Kikus always been cool to talk to, its been super long since we sat down and had dinner together, but yeah we had a lot to talk about. It was great food and good company, I miss that about gatherings.. Krystal was never a good company to have dinner with, and the food was never great. I asked Kiku while we were talking about Japanese music, there is a kyary pamyu pamyu concert in seattle on valentines day if she wanted to join me. She wants to but she has to check her work schedule. All and all I had a lovely evening, and she paid for dinner since I didn't have my wallet XD which made it even more awesome.

Smoked after dinner (I miss having a smoke after dinner, its like a complete circle!) and then drove her home. Came home and I was pretty damn satisfied.

Do it all over next week? Yes please (with my wallet this time =P)

back to blogging

2014. A new year, and a new beginning again.

God its been so long since I've written anything here, I'm constantly stopping and thinking about stuff i want to write but my thoughts are so jumble i keep going back and forth with my paragraphs.. this is going to take awhile to get used to.

So i'm back to being single.. i don't feel terribly sad about it, just disappointed. The relationship wasn't going anywhere and both of us know that, so she didn't want to continue anymore.

Today i moved all of my stuff back with my parents place.. staying with them isn't terribly bad, I do miss not having to think about what to eat for food all the time and eating whatever crap i could find. Home cooked meals are always better than take out. Seeing the place empty without all her stuff is kinda nice in a way.. the room is not a big cluster fuck of fabrics and plastic tubs. But nevertheless, i will miss this place since it was what i called home for 2 years.

I am seeing more and more of my friends; tomorrow i will be hanging out with my fellow monster hunter couple who we have started playing on the 3DS 2 weeks ago, it's awesome how much they are into the game. And then at night i will be having dinner with Mikey and Kiku.. both of them who i haven't seen in a long time or have dinner with them in like forever. Should be an interesting night. These past few years it seems like i neglected a lot of other friends, i'm going to try to stay in touch and reconnect with them.. its the least i can do.

Gotta enjoy the single life right?